February 17, 2018. That was our due date. Miscarriage, infertility, stillbirth, child loss are all topics that are discussed too little. There are a lot of us and it’s honestly a very tough pill to swallow, but personally, I like to talk about it. Yes, it makes me sad but it also is something that I don’t want to ever forget.
I am that weird person that knows I’m pregnant before my body even knows it is. I get this weird feeling in my stomach, and I just know. I knew I was pregnant. My husband thought I was crazy. 82 home pregnancy tests later, we got that positive that confirmed what I already knew. We were pregnant and this baby was due on my husbands birthday, which also happened to be my daughter, Haley’s due date AND two of our best friends babies birthdays! It is such an important day! This pregnancy wasn’t planned by us, but god doesn’t always have the same plans we do! I spent a few days having mini panic attacks. I was still nursing my then 15 month old and having two toddlers AND a baby seemed like a lot of work!! Once the initial shock set in, I got excited.
I told my next door neighbor (who also happens to be one of my best friends) because I needed someone to freak out with! She freaked out with me and a few days later, her family came over and her boys told me THEY WERE GOING TO BE BIG BROTHERS!!! WHAT?! I get to be pregnant with one of my best friends and our kids will be the same age and grow up together just like their siblings. That made me SO MUCH more excited!
The weeks went on. I wanted to stay in shape to hopefully have a more comfortable pregnancy than my previous 3 so I started walking every night. I started eating healthier. I was so excited to do this whole pregnancy thing RIGHT! We went to Carowinds and I sat out on all of the rides. That part wasn’t the greatest, but I definitely wasn’t taking any chances! Plus, I got to take pictures :).
We booked our 3d ultrasound for 16 weeks to find out the gender just like we did with all of our other kids. It was the Friday before the scheduled ultrasound. I woke up and I realized the nausea was finally gone! I get SO NAUSEOUS when I’m pregnant. I was well into my second trimester so it definitely should be. It was going to be a great day! I went to the bathroom and noticed the tiniest bit of spotting. Like seriously enough that on any given day you would think nothing of. But I’ve been there before. This was my 4th pregnancy and I have two children on earth. Our first miscarriage started out like this.
I called the doctor and I got the whole “spotting can be and is totally normal” “if you soak a pad an hour then call us”. “It’s not normal for me, I’d like to be seen just to be safe”. Tears in my eyes I dropped my kids off at my neighbors house and went to the doctor. The nurse came in with the Doppler to check for the heartbeat. She couldnt find it. She assured me that this happens all the time, sometimes it’s hard to find the heart beat this early. I thought “Since when has 16 weeks been too early to hear the heart beet? I’ve never had this issue”. The doctor comes in and tries, and gives me the same speech. They decided to do an ultrasound and assure me it’s just precautionary.
I already knew but I tried staying positive. I went to see the ultrasound tech right away. She lays me down, get’s out her wand and I stare at the screen. The second I saw the screen, I knew. I could just tell there was no life the way the baby was situated. I cried. She apologized and told me she didn’t hear a heartbeat. The way she said it “I’m not hearing a heartbeat” made me ask, “your not hearing it, so it could be there?”. She apologized again and said “There is no heartbeat I’m so sorry”.
They took me back to my room, where they told me the next steps and I balled my eyes out for what felt like hours. I had to get a D&E (not even sure what it stands for but it’s pretty much a second-trimester abortion). Eventually I got up the courage to walk to my car to cry again for what felt like hours. My husband was at work. I called him but he couldn’t even understand what I was saying. I texted my neighbor/friend who was my pregnancy buddy who also had our kids. I sent a text in a group chat that I had going with close friends and family about a gender reveal we planned for after the ultrasound to cancel. Then I cried, and cried and cried.
I mustered up the courage to call the office from the parking lot and ask them if I could head to the hospital for the D&E now and they told me someone would call me to schedule it. The earliest I could go was Monday. It was Friday. I had to spend an entire weekend with a lifeless child, MY lifeless child, in my belly. It was one of the worst weekends of my life.
Monday came and instead of the ultrasound we had planned that day to find out the gender, we went for the procedure. We left and the coming weeks were harder than I ever imagined. I cried a lot. I prayed a lot. The ultrasound picture is forever imprinted in my brain. Those first few days it’s all I would see when I closed my eyes. I’d think about the suburban we purchased because we were going to have to fit three car seats in our car. I’d think about the days I envisioned of having three kids. I’d think about giving birth. I’d think about those tiny little toes and I’d miss them, but it did get better.
A few weeks went by and I’d realize I hadn’t cried in a few days. A few months went by and I’d realized I hadn’t cried in a few weeks. Slowly but surely I’d realize the grief was passing and that was just a sad chapter in our amazing story.
I’m on the other side of this now. I’ve come to the realization that god has plans. We have no idea what his plans are and when they take effect we don’t always understand the reason behind them. I have no idea why god chose us to carry this child and why god decided that he needed him there in heaven with him but I DO know that there is a reason and I DO know that reason is greater than I can imagine. I honestly think there are many reasons, one of which is to share my story. If it weren’t for this miscarriage I don’t think I would have ever thought to start this series about my parenting journey. I wouldn’t have thought to share my son’s craniosynostosis journey with the world. I wouldn’t have thought to share my experience with a mall shooting where we were locked in a bed bath and beyond office for hours with the world. But here I am. I hope someone who reads this finds a little bit of peace. I hope that someone going through miscarriage can see that it DOES get better.
While I greatly miss that unborn child and the life that we were expecting to have with him/her I know that it wasn’t time. My business is thriving right now and I am focusing on that. We will try for another one in a year or two but if god plans to bless us with a child before then we will accept that blessing with open arms.
Next week I will share the beginning of my journey so stay tuned <3